Partial retraction

Dear reader,

Today I am sharing with you an article I recently had published in a local newspaper. Naturally I am delighted with this state of affairs and am brimming with pride to see my work printed onto paper and distributed in the local vicinity. Though regrettably, my achievement is also tinged with shame, and you may notice that in my uploaded version I have blacked out an instance in which I used an expletive form.

Reader, I do not think that obscenity is pleasant, and nor do I wish to increase the level of obscenity in a world that is also inhabited by children. This is not because I believe children to be especially sensitive. On the contrary, children have often shown themselves to be an indifferent and resilient people. I am also aware that not all children are accessing my blog on a regular basis. Some have only a passing interest in the internet. Others are doubtless occupied by a prior engagement, for instance, building a sandcastle or urinating in a public domain.

Yet my sense of unease persists, and in order to explain my reservations, I will look to the ethos of a bygone time. For example, during the reign of Elizabeth I, it was considered uncouth for a gentleman to break wind in the presence of a lady. This rule persisted in spite of the fact that it was very unlikely the odour should be detected by the lady in question. Her senses were dulled by the thick layer of lead that she applied to her skin, as well as the general stench of death prevalent in this era.  Yet the fact remains that it was not generally done.

Similarly, in the shameless age we live, I wish for my legacy to be a general atmosphere of propriety.

LP

My life with Dickens

Dear reader,

It is the ultimate aim of every student of English Literature to read a book from start to finish. However, I must admit that at this time, I am struggling to conquer the canon of Mr Dickens. Though books are the great love of my life, along with men, my family, and selecting and purchasing new clothes, I must confess that I do not like most of them, and especially, I do not like Dickens at all.

It seems to me that when a book is freshly pressed into the bookshop, it must lure you into reading it with a luminous cover and hilarious blurb. Yet many years later, Dickens’ canon is festering plentifully in all bookshops, clothed in a selection of covers that look to have been painted by dead people, and blurbs that lack any trace of hilarity whatsoever. I see this as a lack of justice to me, the consumer.

For a long time I was not in the business of understanding why Mr Dickens’ writing should display such a ratio of words to sentence. Then an acquaintance told me very casually that he was PAID TO WRITE BY THE WORD – as if all of us had known all along! Retrospectively, this must be the reason why, despite his liberal application of words, he is not generous to his readership. And also why he is in the business of relating so closely to his most evil characters such as Fagin. Though in the Victorian time, all manner of people were accustomed to blaming Fagin’s evil outlook on the fact that he was a Jew; in the twenty-first century, I think we can agree it was a simply a personal attribute, in fact, one that he shared with Mr Dickens.

Reader, I must confess to you now that I am not being paid by the word to write my blog. If I were to be paid, for instance, £2 per word to write my blog, then I would be a very rich man indeed, even though I am a woman. But no! I will not accept the money. I will continue to write my blog out of my good heart and wide vocabulary.

LP

Review of the weekend’s entertainment

including Drive and the first half of StreetScene

* * *

Drive
This movie had some deep seated issues like seriously. One of the most pervasive UNDERsights was the lack of lighting in the movie, which nonetheless would have been tolerable if screened in a more well-ventilated room. While none of us seek to deny that Ryan Gosling is talented, I can speak only for myself in saying that blood is not appealing to the eye, and that even when it is false in large quantities, it does not bode for digestive peace of mind. In hindsight, I would have liked to leave in the middle, would this not have involved asking six people to stand up, who incidentally were the same six people I asked to stand up when initially entering the cinema.

StreetScene
This was just absolutely terrible. As a musical, none of the sounds really stood out from any of the other sounds, the effect of which was a kind of cacophonous brawling, unsettling to the ear and mind alike. The tropes were traditional. A leading female is established as a Woman Of Ill-Repute through a musical number showcasing her insouciant dancing, ready giggle, and evident intoxication. On an quasi-related note, the coffee I had at the interval may have been the most classic cup of coffee I ever had, which would have been equally at home in an American diner as equally as it would have been in a o’erpromisingly titled ‘light refreshments’ counter. It’s always a difficult decision to leave in the interval as I always feel that I should give myself a chance to appreciate an artist’s work, yet in this case I felt that the artist had not really given me a chance to appreciate their work, and as such I had already met him or her more than halfway.

First day back in the office with Eddie

‘Yes, as you can see we’ve moved forward somewhat; but all will be revealed. The systems upgrade is fully in place now and if you just open Excel there … well that seems to be saving in a very odd place but… yes; there’s been a lot of changes to the way that functions operate, for instance: saving… well saving is pretty much the same.’

(scrolling slowly through a folder containing the entire backlog of the company, he finds exactly what he’s looking for) ‘And lo and behold: my method is watertight.’

‘James, you see, has only been back two days so he’s still getting his head around it, but the rest of us have been on the new system for two weeks now – and we’re loving it! … to some extent.’

A Musical Discovery

Dear reader,

I’ve found a band I like!

They’re called “Metronomy”, and they’re basically a Blur for the twenty-first century, in that they look like they’re having an inexplicably boring time on drugs as opposed to an inexplicably incredible time on drugs, but share a similar type of nationalism with pretensions to irony. They have a more demure beat than Blur, as is only appropriate to our economic climate.

I’d say really what hooked me in are their themes of affluence, travel, money, cash, azure, gold, Italian tailoring, and punchy guitar riffs. What appeals to me in particular is their overriding message that affluence is overwhelmingly awesome, but carries a subsidiary sensation of loss, anger, regret, fear, loathing and hostility, which nonetheless is barely perceptible when juxtaposed with just how awesome it is.

On the back of my musical discovery, I have unearthed an exciting new desire to work for Microsoft and go on holiday 6-7 times per year.

Please get in touch to assure me that you aware of this significant band and their ground-covering canon.

LP